There’s this acting excerise we are taught: I call it “say yes and mean no,” and it’s exactly what it sounds like. We say one thing, but demonstrate with our voices the opposite intent.
You say it to me often- when you ask me a question and I am unconvincing with my answer- “say yes and mean no.” And then I try it one more time with feeling.
Laying in bed one recent night and you said, “are you happy at this moment?” I say, yes. It’s dark so you can’t see me crying and you say, “say yes and mean no.” Well, the answer is still yes- in a way. I’m laying next to the thing I want most in the world, with the knowledge that, although it is so close, I can never truly have it in the way I want. No, I’m not happy, but it doesn’t matter. Say happy and mean sad. I can’t differentiate it any more. I’m definitely not more unhappy in this moment than I am in others. Does that count as “happy”? Say yes, and mean no.
Homesick for your passenger seat, homesick for your hands. Homesick for your teeth and voice and earlobes. Homesick for your freckles and your stares. Homesick for my old life. Homesick for ours.
But honestly theatre is so amazing and great that I can’t even believe it exists. I hope people get as excited about things in their life as I do about theatre. Theatre gives me hope for the world like…. as long as I have theatre there will always be something that I am madly passionate about and can’t live without doing. That rocks.
My Dad recently dug out the journal he wrote while I was growing up that was dedicated to everything I loved and did when I grew up and he wrote about how I always loved entertaining and playing pretend, and he wrote when I started my first acting class and when he went to see me in my first play and how he cried because he thought I would be so talented someday. He said, “I just want to give you this so you remember what you’re all about- and I hope you would never let some boy deter you from what you really love.” And I never would. John was a huge part of my theatre thing and I spent a lot of time working with him on Shakespeare and he was always my go to mentor with acting things because he is a really talented and insightful person. I’m very grateful and think I’m a better actress because he was my boyfriend, but I also know I can do anything without him and I’m awesome as an actress on my own. And I also know that in my life I’m bound to fall in love with boys that share my passion, but I’d never let that set me back. And though going back to school and possibly working so closely with John is going to be challenging, it can’t make me not excited to act again. Nothing can :)